i do a lot of worrying. about my friends, myself, the consequences of my actions. often when i’ve been wildly optimistic the sudden crash into anxiety is much more debilitating and suddenly i am paralysed with confusion and the overriding desire to just fix everything
how i wish i could fix everything
address the balance against the people i love who get fucked over by reality again and again, getting dealt a worse hand than they deserve, and i think “give it to me lay it all on me i will suffer for you” and i feel guilty because i am often powerless. and of course i worry more.
before this i was wildly optimistic and now i’m crawling into bed upset and downtrodden.
i am alone
usually i don’t mind that so much but this is an aching loneliness
i want to be with someone else and make them happy, someone new and exciting
it’s been a long time since i’ve been excited by other people
i’m sad and don’t want to talk about it but here i am
last night was bad but now i’m better. not entirely better, i’d still say i was pretty firmly in an unhappy place but i’m not getting suicidal urges tonight which is an improvement. it’s strange how the urges to reach out and connect and distract myself clash with the urges to stay alone. i don’t want to inflict myself on other people when i have nothing but unhappiness to contribute, but if i keep to myself i get wound up in my own head. the whole thing’s a mess really. i’m slightly better though. not sure if this will drop back down again. hopefully it won’t, i have a drama exam soon and i’d rather not be flat and depressed for that.
this has become less of a detached apathy blog and more of just straight up sad which is fitting considering my mood. the apathy blogging seems to be a performance, a piece which i write, not fiction but in some ways a story, whereas these posts are just “i’m sad”. once my mood picks up i imagine i’ll emotionally step back again and it’ll all be very tao lin/bekn dignum. but for now
this is the unhappiest I have been for a very long time. everything is a spiral of paranoia, resentment and despair. in short, not fun. i don’t feel trusted or loved in fact i am overcome with a sensation that everyone has used a chrome extension to silence me and what i do because they don’t care. i am shouting into my own void endlessly. my neutral mood is usually somewhat upbeat but now i am settled in a deep apathy that has black tendrils wriggling downwards through frustration into anger. i’d almost forgotten what it felt like to feel properly Depressed, and it’s just as shit as i remember. not suicidal yet although that doubtless will creep up on me until i can’t leave my bed. this is not a good time. i hope you’re well though
the line between selfishness to save your happiness and selflessness to drain it
been a while since i’ve blogged apathetically
tomorrow will be the first time in ten days that i’ll be alone. i’ve had the offer to see my friends but i don’t think i’ll go. i’m a very solitary person sometimes and my bones are aching for the chance to be by myself.
don’t get me wrong i’ve loved having people around but it’s been a long time since i’ve curled up in bed alone with an energy drink and some crisps and a film, and that was a comforting part of my life.
i’ve worked hard and been happy over this period of time but now i need to retreat into the dark cocoon and shut the curtains. i can feel constant itchings in my head
tonight i am chunks of rotting meat sewn together with threads of paranoia
i’m finding it hard to say more. the last few days were good but tonight hasn’t been. my default state has fallen to a dull sense of anger and unhappiness, an undercurrent of worry that before long everything will fall apart and crush me. i wouldn’t like that
i’m listening to spiderland by slint for the second ever time. it suits my mood, i recommend it.
i wish i could draw. at times like this the urge to create can’t come out so it turns sour and inward and corrodes me until i have a blinding headache behind my eyelids and my fingers are twitching so fast i can’t see them. i am a hummingbird flying into the sun
it feels like someone’s burned a hole in my throat. it hurts to swallow. i get this every once in a while it’s nothing to worry about, probably. i’d like to be healthy but i spend too much time in bed so i’ll just drink smoothies and pretend that works. it doesn’t work.
people on the internet irritate me a lot but it’s alright it’s probably my problem rather than theirs. i’m just bitter. i like being alone sometimes but eventually i’d drive myself insane.
detached apathy blogging is kinda fun. it’s going to be summer soon. i’m excited to make a playlist
i’m writing again. will i do this daily?? that remains to be seen. i’m not sure if i feel strongly enough to write anything compelling in any way. i’m having an okay night though. came home early from school and torrential rain started when i got in. i briefly changed everything about my life in that i decided to start drinking water all the time. i listened to skrillex and watched the rain with an ice cold bottle of water and it was nice. as soon as i have money i’ll buy a horrible energy drink because i don’t care about my life and thats probably fine.
i’m in bed. tired, somewhat feeling out of place, like things aren’t quite fitting together. hard to describe. i thought i’d written some beautiful music and i announced an EP then i listened back and it was boring. the EP is cancelled
i don’t know enough about stars
i’m listening to the theme from metal gear solid 3 and i feel far better. i think in general i’m in what could be called a Good Place. the idea of killing myself seems utterly ridiculous, which is a good sign. last night david sedaris talked about his sister’s suicide and i realised for the first time in a long enough while that i didn’t want that. i’m gonna live, which is good. i’m cautiously optimistic for the rest of reality.
i just like writing and creating. it feels good to have a dedicated outlet for this sort of thing. doing it on my main tumblr felt obnoxious, like i was subjecting people to myself when they probably only followed me out of vague social obligation. here we all are now contemplating my life.
i think i’ve decided on what i want to do with my life, at least in an academic sense. i’d like to be an actor. so i’ll pursue that through school and maybe the whole music thing will take off as well. in an ideal world. while i may be happy a lot more recently if i know one thing it’s that the world is never ideal.
i want to write a play. an incredibly pretentious one starring a thinly veiled version of myself as the handsome artistic charming lead character. patrick something. something like my surname. who romances his way through everyone he meets and at the end realises the meaning of something. or perhaps the futility of it. i’ll work out the details later